Wiebke's Fat Journal

I was already feeling very discouraged, but just now I tried to find some shorts that fit and nope, they are all way, way too small. I have all these clamdiggers and capri pants that fit me just barely, had to put on a pair of those. Meanwhile I found the tiny shorts I was able to fit in and buy a couple of summers ago when I lost weight for my first trip to Italy. (I wanted to look good in the land of skinny people!) Alas, I doubt I could shimmy them up to my knees these days.

A month ago, I was feeling pretty upbeat about what I was doing to get back in shape and lose weight. I was walking 10,000 steps a day (CDC recommendation), working out 2x a week at Emory's deluxe gym (weights, stretching, some cardio) and watching what I eat. I was doing a particularly good job on the diet, making changes like cooking my own dinner, bringing my lunch to work, eating a lot more fruit and veggies and snacks, eating smaller portions, etc. The whole thing seemed to be working pretty well and in a couple of weeks I'd lost about three pounds.

Unfortunately, going out of town has had the usual effect of snapping me out of my routine. This was rather predictable as the typical time I can stay on a strict routine is around three weeks. I just fall off the wagon soooooo easily! If there's an excuse (example, right now I need to call the fitness center to have my Emory card fixed to show my membership), I'll find it and exploit it. Then I'll just start doing stupid things like eating Tootsie Rolls out of the candy jar at work or eating half a chocolate bar without thinking about it. When I was home I ate a huge, huge ice cream cone! Sadly, even one slip-up like that is enough to undo weeks' worth of work!

This is so frustrating! I feel like in order to get anywhere with this, I need to focus on it 500 percent or something, because even when I try 100%, I just don't seem to be able to carry things through. The fact that even trying 100% I will lose maybe 2-3 lbs. total in a *month* is pretty discouraging, too, since at that rate it would take two years to lose all the weight I need to. And I can't believe I could ever keep up any sort of routine for two years. Six months? I could do that if I tried really, really hard, although I've only managed to do that a couple of times. Eventually the desire to just *relax* and stop paying attention to everything become overwhelming and I collapse in a heap. It only takes like a month for me to bloat up again. This is why I get so ticked off by people who are ten pounds overweight and can get rid of that in a couple months just by eating yogurt and jogging. Or a guy like Caleb, who can say "I need to lose 5 lbs" and have it be gone in a week. My body and my psyche just can't *do* that!

I know I sound like I'm all sorry for myself and I guess I am. A magic wand that could just *bing!* turn me thin would be great. Some bit of magic would be great! But unless I make a huge, huge committment and also have a lot of people truly supporting me and helping me make the right choices, I feel like I'm doomed to failure.

Time to fess up: I've gotten totally fat.

I've been battling the pounds for 8-9 years ago but never really would call myself fat because I could still look pretty good, nobody else would think I was fat, etc., but no more of that, I'm fat fat. 50 lbs. overweight is not a small problem and even on somebody with my frame, it shows up and moreover, isn't a pretty sight. Not that I hate myself or think everybody has to have the same icky skinny shape (not appealing to me on myself or others), but I've realized I now dislike having my picture done and the movies Caleb made of me over this past weekend, up in Montreal, gave me a major reality check. I've definitely crossed the line between curvy and just plain lumpy.

So. I have 50 lbs. to lose, which sucks because a year ago, I had only about 25 lbs. to lose, according to my doctor. This is the same doctor who ordered me to go get out and exercise, which I did, hard core, for eight months. I got quite fit during that time, but didn't lose any weight. Then in February I got a new job and due to logistics, stopped going to the gym. I also happened to develop a friendship with a "foodie" that involved a lot of meals out and drinking. Oh, I tried to be good and I was mostly good at work, but I admit I wasn't perfect. So only three months later, 15-20 lbs. have built up in all kinds of unflattering places.

I'm tired of all this but suppose I have to rally and do something. Caleb has been very supportive and I have plenty of resources here at work, including a gym, nutritional counseling, Weight Watchers, healthy food options. Just: It's gong to take a long, long time.

So after a three-month hiatus (some would call it a binge), I'm back to being a good girl, going to the gym and hopefully getting my body and its habits under control.

I'll not give my weight here, but let's just say it's spiralled upward, out of control. The combo of temporarily dumping exercise and eating rather exhuberantly just was not good.

But in any case, I joined up with one of the gym's at Emory, quite cheap, and today I went in for the first time. Had a nice stretch, walk/run and time on a stationary bike. Afterward (and after my shower) I felt really good. My head feels less fuzzy than before. I hope that continues!

On the diet front, I'm considering signing up for Weight Watchers. There's a program at Emory for it, only $180 for 15 weeks, which seems quite cheap. It meets every Monday, noonish, in a building near mine, so it'd be easy. I've known people to have really good results with them and I know they have a vegetarian menu plan, so who knows, might try it.

Well, well, well, here I am back to this journal. The news is not good, alas. It seems that I'm not at my worst weight ever, 219. I know why this is: I was so embroiled in depression and/or trying to recover from it that I totally tossed aside healthy eating habits. In the past couple of weeks, I was partiulcarly bad, eating overly large lunches (of pizza, no less!), doubling up dinner servings, having 2 pastries with my Sunday breakfast at Alon's, eating cheese, eating popcorn 3-4 times a week, and being generally naughty. My gym regimen decreased somewhat as well, due to the fact that a couple of days I was feeling too rotten to drag myself over.

The good news? I had an appointment last Monday at Emory and am now under a doctor's care for my depression. He upped my dosage on Prozac and it had an immediate effect. Now I feel much, much better. Assuming that this keeps up, I guess I can focus on my diet again.

But what should I do? I'm thinking one of the best things I could do is simply to pay attention to portion size, as I know lately I've been eating meals far larger than necessary. It feels "comfortable" to eat two slices of a pizza and a side salad, or a huge plate of pasta, but it certainly is way more food than I need. So I will try to limit myself. If I find myself hungry, I can always had a healthy snack like a piece of fruit or drink a glass of water. Along with this, I'm going to make sure I get in to the gym 3x a week, possibly 4x, throwing in a weekend day. Not that going to the gym has helped me lose weight before, but it's supposed to be diet and exercise, not not one or the other.

Well, 2006 saw me doing very well with exercise and improved diet, but not well at all as far as losing weight. I also saw my depression and severe fatigue rebound, to my chagrin. Still, I think I've set myself on the right track and if I can get the diet piece and/or figure out if there's some other reason I'm not losing weight (thyroid, side effect of antidepressants, etc.). I really kicked butt in that gym, including being a stand-out in the boot camp class and later winning a gym-wide fitness challenge.

For 2007 I'm going to continue going in to the gym at least 3 times a week. I may also try out some of the group classes, which I've shied away from so far. I think I will focus more on weight lifting than I have in the past, as I keep getting information on how working/building your muscles actually helps you burn more total calories than doing cardio. Some yoga would be good, too, I think.

As far as diet goes, for now I'm placing myself on the "DASH" diet -- a diet put out by the USDA that basically gives servings and portion sizes for all different food groups. The diet is available at different calorie levels, all with the same proportions, and I'll be doing the 2000-calorie one, eating the recommneded servings (and portions of those servings) for grains, vegies, legumes/nuts, etc. The idea of the diet is not to starve yourself or deny yourself certain foods, but to realize that you have to eat some things very sparingly, while there are other things you can eat lots of, like grains, fruits, etc. Eating all these things keeps you satisfied, leads to general health (you get all the "stuff" your body needs) and also gives you the energy to burn calories. There are diets out there that leave you exhausted because they deplete you of vital stuff your body needs or which make you fat, because you body starts "hoarding" calories. As for how I'm going to regulate myself, for this week I did a "deal a meal" thing with tickets for each day -- I can't eat any more than what I have for that day. Next week I'll probably simplify and do a sheet with all the stuff for each day and just cross it off.

P.S. I meant to post something here on Jan. 1 but I guess I've missed it by a half hour. Oh, well, I'll just pretend I'm posting from Chicago I guess!

Tonight was the first time all this month I've managed to get to the gym. The begininning of the month was a weekend and a busy one at that, then I was getting ready for Germany, then I was in Germany, and then I came home and was jetlagged and sick. Despite this, my weigh-in tonight told me I've lost 2-3 lbs.! Bah. That's what I get for eating tons of licorice, lebkuchen, gingerbread, cheese, and alcohol for a couple of weeks, and slacking off exercise. Um, not that I will be in the future, just saying, the irony...

Oh, and my workout tonight was great. Not much trouble starting up where I left off.

Well, I decided to push myself and see if I could actually lose some weight this week, and turns out I did. I've lost 4 pounds in the past week.

Thing #1 I did different was, in my workout, to do more strength-training, a.k.a. weights, instead of doing so much cardio. According to the book Caleb has, and also what trainers have told me, building up your muscles actually causes your body to burn more fat, because it takes energy for the body to repair the muscles as well as extra energy to maintain them. So while the actual weight work doesn't burn as many calories as, say, using a leg press or doing arm curls, it burns calories long after you're done, whereas with cardio, you burn mostly when you're doing the activity. Anyway, I've been alternating between various sets of weights at the gym. There's a circuit training set upstairs where I can go do 12-14 different types of weights, working all different areas, and there are various areas downstairs as well. I've been doing like 40 minutes every two days, doing different stuff all the time so I'm working different areas.

Thing #2 I did, only the past two days, was to put myself on a low-calorie, restricted diet. Forget trying to be good, trying to make the right choices! I went for the easy, no-brainer route, having SlimFast for breakfast and lunch and having, yes, a "sensible" dinner of various different things that are tasty but don't require sauces, butter, frying, sugar, etc. Last night I had baked potatoes, sauteed soy sausage, brussel sprouts and pineapple. Tonight I had a plate of egg noodles, almonds, sprouted beans, sauteed mushrooms and two pieces of whole wheat bread. I've also had a lot of tea and water, which staves off hunger. I think I only had about 1200 calories a day the past two days, which is really low considering somebody my size is supposed to intake like 2500. However, I think doing this for a week, combined with exercise, will probably allow me to drop five more pounds, and I'd feel really good about that.

So, let's see if I can grit my teeth for a week and lose some weight. I can always focus on Thanksgiving dinner, which I will be OK with, since by then my stomach will have shrunk down to the size of a brussel sprout and I'll have to have everything in little tiny bites :)

Beware RANT ahead!

I haven't posted in quite a while, mainly because not a lot has been happening.

True, I have kept up with my exercise routines, going in 3 and sometimes 4 times a week, and I do watch what I eat, but in terms of weight, I am *exactly* where I started.

At this point I'm starting to get very discouraged again, because it's been five months and I don't see what I could be doing that's so wrong. Caleb has recently made some good points in terms of the types of exercise I do and the particulars of my diet, and I'm going to try and follow his advice because it seems sound, but how can I be looking at the scale today and have it show me the exact same figure it showed me back last May when the doctor told me I had to lose 20 pounds?! I mean, not even a pound less? Or five? I see and hear of people losing weight all the time, people who seem to be putting a lot less effort into it than I am, and it doesn't seem fair! I know, nobody ever said life is fair, but still.

As for what I've accomplished through my efforts, there have been some definite positives. I've made exercise a regular part of my life and am certainly very fit in terms of cardiovascular stuff, strength, flexibility, etc. I've got legs like tree trucks and even my arms are a little bit buff. I've lost some fat off my back and off my legs I guess, but not off the critical areas I really need to lose it if I want to chuck 20 pounds and fit into my clothes. I swear, sometimes I watch those plastic surgery shows on TV with liposuction and "I think, wow, that'd be a lot easier than getting rid of this fat the right way!" Not that I would ever do that, but ugh, it just adds to my frustration that there's no easy solution. I guess if I drink a gallon of water a day, go on a super restricted diet, and do that for like a month, I might lose two pounds?

Sigh. I think I'm a bit depressed at the moment but I've been upset about this for a while. As soon as I get my health insurance, I'm going to go see my doctor and see if he can give me a referral to a nutritionist or somebody who could help me work out what I'm doing wrong. Or maybe he can check my metabolism again? It's slightly possibly I have a thyroid problem of some type, esp. as I have a sister with Grave's disease, and if that's what I have, then I needn't be so hard on myself.

So I was just on the phone with my mother and she, too, was surprised I haven't lost any weight, at least not in pounds. It's true I've seen some weight redistibution, built up muscles, and some of my shirts fit better now that my back has fewer rolls, but I'm not seeing at all the sort of weight loss I would expect. Anyway, Mom's one to talk, since she's two inches shorter and weighs the same as I do, but amidst our discussion we concluded I should go back to drinking a ton of water. The only time I've lost substantial weight over the course of my five months' effort was during two weeks when I kept a bottle of water at my office desk and drank two bottles a day. Now that I'm at home most of the time, I don't drink much water, except for when I go to the gym, which is 3-4 times a week. And I haven't lost any pounds. So back to the water for a couple of weeks, and then I'll see if there's any change. I think my eating habits are mainly on track but ugh, I can't ever seem to remember to drink anything. Mom says she's the same way.

Today I was working up in Dunwoody and by the time I'd gone shopping at the nearby mall, taken the train home, and had dinner, it was after 8 and pouring, so I decided to screw going to the gym.

But I did work out -- used the workout room in the basement instead. I managed to do a lot of my regular warm-up work, ab work, etc., and then did 20 minutes on an exercise bike, at a nice high setting.

To get in my jogging, I used the treadmill, which months ago I couldn't run on for more than like two minutes, and ran 3 1/3 MILES! I only meant to do 2, but when the meter said 2 and I was going 6.5 mph and felt fine, and the TV show I had on was interesting, I just kept going. And going. After 2 miles I started to increase the speed. I started to actually RUN, rather than jog, and for a good half mile I was going 8, 9 and then 10 mph! This harldy winded me at all.

My conclusion? Apparently I can keep adding a mile a day to my workout and it's OK. Also: The lung med I'm on, Singulair, has completed changed my ability to run.